Why Your Team Sucks 2013: urban center Cowboys
Some folks area unit fans of the urban center Cowboys. But many, more folks don't seem to be fans of the urban center Cowboys. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those within the latter cluster. browse all the 2013 NFL previews right here.
Your team: urban center Cowboys
Your 2012 record: 8-8.
Your coach: German Jones. i do know that the team lists "Jason Garrett" because the head coach, however return on, now. mythical being Garrett had his balls stop and placed in an exceedingly bag the day he was employed. The title of "head coach" is strictly a ceremonial one in urban center. The Double J coaches the team, and pissboys like mythical being Garrett area unit left to handle the tedious work of attending press conferences and icing the Cowboys football player.
Do you assume Garrett had any say in whisking poor recent card game Kiffin removed from his shovelboard game and plopping him within the booth as defensive coordinator? in fact not. that is pure German, right there. He picks the players, hires the assistants, writes a couple of nine-step drop pass plays on the rear of a strip club flyer, and leaves Garrett to scrub up the mess. It does not matter United Nations agency coaches the Cowboys, and it will not till the Double J dies and leaves his child with a 30-year head work contract.
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I love observation the Cowboys play. they're a wonderfully devised three-hour sports comedy each week. they are utterly and totally harmless. I will watch them play and apprehend that, even once they seem to be gently threatening, they'll find yourself collapsing and exploding into flames at some purpose as a result of, due to the Double J's inept personnel management, they're thus basically broken. they need no probability, and that i do not assume that German extremely provides a shit anyway. Jerry's real passion is his structure and his new fuckbus, and therefore the Cowboys area unit the miscroscopic deposit image that he walks by each thus typically to dirt off. Even once he will his weekly "Jerry says one thing stupid" bit with the media currently, it seems like he is doing it strictly as a staged exercise. he's on Crazy recent Man Autopilot.
Your quarterback: Tony Romo. Offensive genius Tony Romo! and that i love that German Jones is that the solely person on Earth United Nations agency places Romo's soccer intellect on the extent of, say, Peyton Manning. Jones treats Romo as if he is already won six Super Bowls, and isn't the unskilled mess he is continually been.
Keep in mind that the Cowboys gave Romo $55 million in secured cash this offseason. Not 3 seasons past. This offseason. you are talking concerning a minimum of 3 additional seasons of the Cowboys pretense that Romo is one among the most effective quarterbacks in soccer and nobody in urban center basic cognitive process it. he is a Cowboy forever. perhaps they're going to create him half owner! i ponder if German owns a try of magic glasses that flip Romo into Tom Brady whenever heappearance at him. Some type of QB brewage glasses. I bet Jaws conjointly owns a try.
Your fantasy player everybody can hate: DeMarco Murray. Ever since Emmitt Smith left, the Cowboys back position has been a 12-ingredient ostomy bag of continually slashed players: Julius Jones, Marion Barber, Felix Jones, Murray, Troy freakin' Hambrick, etc. Even once this team finds a serviceable back like Murray, he finishes up being either a) slashed or b) utterly marginalized in favor of property Romo cavort within the pocket for eight seconds before throwing to a sextuple-covered Dez Bryant. i feel they deliberately have sabotaged the position simply to spite Smith. looks like a Cowboys factor to try and do.
Why your team sucks: As we've noted before, the Cowboys area unit still attempting to squeeze out victories from a nucleus of players that Bill Parcells place along SEVEN YEARS past. It's like observation a TV network burn off episodes of associate recent electro-acoustic transducer O'Malley comedy. the sole bright young spot on this team is Dez Bryant, United Nations agency is usually one step removed from being in remission in an exceedingly unskilled jewellery heist. They listed up to draft Morris Claiborne last season and professional soccer Focus rated him because the league's 83rd best corner in 2012, that looks... not good. they are associate aging team that refuses to admit that they are aging, and Jones is usually convinced he is only one mavin cub removed from seeing the complete factor move.
That is wherever the glee comes from. It's one astounding pratfall once another. Their safety skint his tooth on a Jolly Rancher! They let the team golf cart drive itself! They kill one another whereas drunk driving! American state YOU very little RASCALS. The past decade-plus of wretched Cowboys football—and consecutive twenty years of the same—are karmic payback for all those years that bandwagon Cowboys fans lorded each their team's dominance and their quality over the remainder of the NFL.
Some folks area unit fans of the urban center Cowboys. But many, more folks don't seem to be fans of the urban center Cowboys. This 2013 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those within the latter cluster. browse all the 2013 NFL previews right here.
Your team: urban center Cowboys
Your 2012 record: 8-8.
Your coach: German Jones. i do know that the team lists "Jason Garrett" because the head coach, however return on, now. mythical being Garrett had his balls stop and placed in an exceedingly bag the day he was employed. The title of "head coach" is strictly a ceremonial one in urban center. The Double J coaches the team, and pissboys like mythical being Garrett area unit left to handle the tedious work of attending press conferences and icing the Cowboys football player.
Do you assume Garrett had any say in whisking poor recent card game Kiffin removed from his shovelboard game and plopping him within the booth as defensive coordinator? in fact not. that is pure German, right there. He picks the players, hires the assistants, writes a couple of nine-step drop pass plays on the rear of a strip club flyer, and leaves Garrett to scrub up the mess. It does not matter United Nations agency coaches the Cowboys, and it will not till the Double J dies and leaves his child with a 30-year head work contract.
RELATED
Meet The Cowboys' New $2 Million Luxury Bus, Named "The Elegant woman"
Jerry Jones's dreaming of crystal and chrome has hit the road. "The Elegant Lady," the urban center Cowboys' new bus, created a brief… Read…
I love observation the Cowboys play. they're a wonderfully devised three-hour sports comedy each week. they are utterly and totally harmless. I will watch them play and apprehend that, even once they seem to be gently threatening, they'll find yourself collapsing and exploding into flames at some purpose as a result of, due to the Double J's inept personnel management, they're thus basically broken. they need no probability, and that i do not assume that German extremely provides a shit anyway. Jerry's real passion is his structure and his new fuckbus, and therefore the Cowboys area unit the miscroscopic deposit image that he walks by each thus typically to dirt off. Even once he will his weekly "Jerry says one thing stupid" bit with the media currently, it seems like he is doing it strictly as a staged exercise. he's on Crazy recent Man Autopilot.
Your quarterback: Tony Romo. Offensive genius Tony Romo! and that i love that German Jones is that the solely person on Earth United Nations agency places Romo's soccer intellect on the extent of, say, Peyton Manning. Jones treats Romo as if he is already won six Super Bowls, and isn't the unskilled mess he is continually been.
Keep in mind that the Cowboys gave Romo $55 million in secured cash this offseason. Not 3 seasons past. This offseason. you are talking concerning a minimum of 3 additional seasons of the Cowboys pretense that Romo is one among the most effective quarterbacks in soccer and nobody in urban center basic cognitive process it. he is a Cowboy forever. perhaps they're going to create him half owner! i ponder if German owns a try of magic glasses that flip Romo into Tom Brady whenever heappearance at him. Some type of QB brewage glasses. I bet Jaws conjointly owns a try.
Your fantasy player everybody can hate: DeMarco Murray. Ever since Emmitt Smith left, the Cowboys back position has been a 12-ingredient ostomy bag of continually slashed players: Julius Jones, Marion Barber, Felix Jones, Murray, Troy freakin' Hambrick, etc. Even once this team finds a serviceable back like Murray, he finishes up being either a) slashed or b) utterly marginalized in favor of property Romo cavort within the pocket for eight seconds before throwing to a sextuple-covered Dez Bryant. i feel they deliberately have sabotaged the position simply to spite Smith. looks like a Cowboys factor to try and do.
Why your team sucks: As we've noted before, the Cowboys area unit still attempting to squeeze out victories from a nucleus of players that Bill Parcells place along SEVEN YEARS past. It's like observation a TV network burn off episodes of associate recent electro-acoustic transducer O'Malley comedy. the sole bright young spot on this team is Dez Bryant, United Nations agency is usually one step removed from being in remission in an exceedingly unskilled jewellery heist. They listed up to draft Morris Claiborne last season and professional soccer Focus rated him because the league's 83rd best corner in 2012, that looks... not good. they are associate aging team that refuses to admit that they are aging, and Jones is usually convinced he is only one mavin cub removed from seeing the complete factor move.
That is wherever the glee comes from. It's one astounding pratfall once another. Their safety skint his tooth on a Jolly Rancher! They let the team golf cart drive itself! They kill one another whereas drunk driving! American state YOU very little RASCALS. The past decade-plus of wretched Cowboys football—and consecutive twenty years of the same—are karmic payback for all those years that bandwagon Cowboys fans lorded each their team's dominance and their quality over the remainder of the NFL.
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